I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
