I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
