i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
