im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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