he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
