last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
