Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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