If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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