Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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