She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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