When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This baby is an asshole
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
