drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she told me i tasted like america
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
