Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
