If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
