So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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