She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
