It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He passed out mid-signature
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
