just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
