We're facebook friends in real life
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Where is the hickey?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize