$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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