When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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