wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
