Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
