never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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