bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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