Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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