Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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