I hate your face
My brain says no but my pants say off.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
