that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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