Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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