The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
