Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
