I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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