She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
