I smell stomach acid.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize