apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
