I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I need a beard to bite.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
