My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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