I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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