while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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