i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
