Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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