Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
