You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
