i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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