Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
