Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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