Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Enjoy the penises
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize