So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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