the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
