I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My pussy is not your playground.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
