How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
