how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
