im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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