I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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