im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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