Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
