Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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