There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
