We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
